9/7/26

Leaving for my trip! In case I die in a firey mid air collision, know I love you!

8/30/26

YESTERDAY WAS PERFECT! And this morning... I truly couldn't be happier. I finally reached out for help about all these questions I have, and I got the answers I so desperately needed. Now I feel so peaceful, and ready to go on my trip next week to visit my friend! I leave on the 7th of September. I've missed her terribly.

8/25/26

I have a jealousy so deep that I burn. I don't know how to cope with it other than doing my compulsions. Checking checking checking again. I don't know how to make myself feel better any other way... I love him so much. And I want him all to myself, completely. I need to start believing he loves me, and I need to start loving him purely again, as I did in the beginning, before envy and fear overtook me. I hate this... the good news is that I think my mom is finally starting to believe me about him. She even asked me about my cards and seemed to genuinely care about what I was saying. It meant a lot to me. I really crave her approval and her acceptance of this. Initially it was because I felt it was wrong, and I wanted someone to tell me it wasn't... but now it's because I'm just so happy that I want to share it with her and with everyone I love. It hurts so much that I can't.

8/24/26

I ate my left over birthday cake until I felt sick. Boxed funfetti!!! I could feel a sugar rush buzzing behind my eyes. Every year it gets harder to eat because it's so sweet, so I treat it as a reminder of the cold passage of time!!!

8/17/26

My nephew was born on the 14th. I hope the world is kind to him, though I know it won't be. I was living in the afterglow of his birth for the first day before the sobering reality came over me that he has a whole life ahead of him on this godforsaken planet. Maybe he won't be like me: he'll be healthy and well adjusted and happy. I want that for him more than anything.

7/29/26

I'm excited to meet my nephew, but I also worry for him, as I do for all children being born into this world. This is truly hell on earth and no one seems to realize it, and if they do, they are too afraid to do anything about it. What can be done, anyway? Besides something drastic. Who will fall on the sword?

7/12/26

I'm in horrible pain today. My stomach keeps tingling like I'm afraid, and I am, because I realize I'm alone here without him. Pure devastation, more than I can bear. I don't know what to do I'm so confused and lost without him here. What can I do? I have nowhere to turn. Everyone I want to talk to, I can't. My mother turns me away whenever I try... my grief is squashed and minimized. Half my heart is missing and most in my life have no idea. It's incredibly lonely.

6/21/26

I really am a very tortured person. Whether by my anxiety, my self esteem, my depression, rarely am I not ruminating and feeling sorry for myself. I do not like myself at all because there isn't much TO like. I'm just a sick, sad person. I want to be better.